Shit Homeless People Don’t Say

(with a little help from my friends)

• Are you going to Coachella?
• I prefer window.
• Does this shirt look good on me?
• I am so full.
• My boss is such an asshole.
• I have an interview tomorrow.
• Another parking ticket?!?!?
• Big Island, or Maui?
• I hate malt liquor.
• Medium rare.
• I hope my new Topsiders come soon.
• It’s too warm in here.
• I’m sexy and I know it.
• I think I’m gonna retake the LSAT.
• I love kale.
• I have this Alumni Association thing tomorrow.
• Do you go to Equinox, or LA Fitness?
• I talked to my kids yesterday.
• I gotta go pick up my dry cleaning.
• It’s a pillow top.
• Let’s play Words With Friends!
• I don’t do drugs.
• We’re going out tonight.
• Should I make a reservation?
• I need a new signature.
• This is gonna be so easy.