FoleySpeaks http://www.foleyspeaks.com Humor, Travel, Criticism & Entertainment Writing, Audio & Video Mon, 20 May 2013 01:14:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 Protected: Heinz in the Air http://www.foleyspeaks.com/ketchup http://www.foleyspeaks.com/ketchup#comments Mon, 20 May 2013 01:14:14 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4996 There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/ketchup/feed/ 0 Protected: The Zone http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-zone/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-zone/#comments Mon, 20 May 2013 01:06:29 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4994 There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-zone/feed/ 0 Protected: Pillows in Chile http://www.foleyspeaks.com/pillowsinchile http://www.foleyspeaks.com/pillowsinchile#comments Mon, 20 May 2013 00:54:55 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4988 There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/pillowsinchile/feed/ 0 Ball to the Wall: Why I Admire Lance Armstrong http://www.foleyspeaks.com/lancearmstrong http://www.foleyspeaks.com/lancearmstrong#comments Wed, 23 Jan 2013 22:00:09 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4863 I used to admire Lance Armstrong.  Now the truth is out: he doped.  He is a cheater.  Now, strangely, I admire him even more. Here is a man who has been to the bottom.  Cancer.  He was on his way out, but he fought back.  That’s inspiring, but it’s something I could personally never relate to.  He wins seven Tour [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/lancearmstrong/feed/ 1 What I Think When I Find Out You Work in Banking http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-i-think-when-i-find-out-you-work-in-banking/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-i-think-when-i-find-out-you-work-in-banking/#comments Tue, 15 Jan 2013 02:11:43 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4800 You have more money than I do But I don’t envy you, because you have no soul. *You’re being a hater.  Don’t be a hater.  I’m proud of you for having such a good job, and making so much money.  Keep it up! But at least admit that you’re a total sell-out.  You’re clearly only in it for the money.  [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-i-think-when-i-find-out-you-work-in-banking/feed/ 0 BADASS PASSAGES – Goethe http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-goethe/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-goethe/#comments Fri, 04 Jan 2013 17:56:01 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4729 Excerpt from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - Faust, Part 1: In me there are two souls, alas, and their Division tears my life in two. One loves the world, it clutches her, it binds, Itself to her, clinging with furious lust; The other longs to soar beyond the dust Into the realm of high ancestral minds. Are there no spirits moving [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-goethe/feed/ 0 Just a Blessing [AUDIO] [VIDEO] http://www.foleyspeaks.com/just-a-blessing/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/just-a-blessing/#comments Fri, 04 Jan 2013 07:03:50 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4724 Here’s a problem: The first to sin is the clergy, The first to be forgiven is the most unworthy, And the hungriest people are the last to eat, We claim peace in a siege of catastrophe, Feed on rigmarole, lies, and blasphemy. Withdraw from injustice like a cash machine. So many travesties…drunk drivers, dead passengers, Bloodstained theater walls and schoolhall massacres, [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/just-a-blessing/feed/ 0 BADASS PASSAGES: Henry David Thoreau http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-henry-david-thoreau/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-henry-david-thoreau/#comments Wed, 19 Dec 2012 08:36:03 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4705 Henry David Thoreau – Excerpt from Walden Shams and delusions are esteemed for soundest truths, while reality is fabulous. If men would steadily observe realities only, and not allow themselves to be deluded, life, to compare it with such things as we know, would be like a fairy tale and the Arabian Nights’ Entertainments. If we respected only what is inevitable [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-henry-david-thoreau/feed/ 0 What Your Instagram Filter Choice Says About You http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-your-instagram-filter-choice-says-about-you/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-your-instagram-filter-choice-says-about-you/#comments Thu, 13 Dec 2012 22:51:31 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4504 NORMAL: If you use Instagram but don’t actually choose a filter, the obvious question is: why did you use Instagram in the first place?  It’s like you were desperate to get on the field but when the coach called your number you didn’t even have your helmet on.  Perhaps you were making a statement about the art of artlessness, the technique [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-your-instagram-filter-choice-says-about-you/feed/ 0 A Letter to the Mayans http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-letter-to-the-mayans/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-letter-to-the-mayans/#comments Sat, 08 Dec 2012 07:16:36 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4233 All you did was play with stones; that’s how I know you were just a bunch of stoners. Sitting around the campfire, passing the peace pipe, procrastinating on your Astro homework. I see how it is.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-letter-to-the-mayans/feed/ 1 BADASS PASSAGES: Vladimir Nabokov http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-vladimir-nabokov/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-vladimir-nabokov/#comments Tue, 27 Nov 2012 18:16:06 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4208 Excerpt from Vladimir Nabokov - Pale Fire __ SHADE: All the seven deadly sins are peccadilloes but without three of them, Pride, Lust and Sloth, poetry might never have been born. KINBOTE: Is it fair to base objections upon obsolete terminology? SHADE: All religions are based upon obsolete terminology. KINBOTE: What we term Original Sin can never grow obsolete. SHADE: I [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-vladimir-nabokov/feed/ 0 Foley’s Guide to Quarter-Life http://www.foleyspeaks.com/foleys-guide-to-quarter-life/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/foleys-guide-to-quarter-life/#comments Sat, 24 Nov 2012 08:32:04 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4193 1.  Don’t do things just because you don’t know what else to do. 2.  Don’t act like you don’t know what you want and can’t make up your mind.  You DO know what you want: you don’t want to make up your mind. 3.  Stick to what is immediate and right in front of you. 4.  You are not your [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/foleys-guide-to-quarter-life/feed/ 0 I Love My Mom and She Loves Me http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-love-my-mom/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-love-my-mom/#comments Fri, 16 Nov 2012 06:58:49 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4148 MOM:  You’re doing it.  You’re really doing it. ME:  Doing what? MOM:  You’re making it happen.  You really are. ME:  Okay. MOM:  There are jobs out there.  Good jobs. ME:  Okay. MOM:  They need people exactly like you.  Exactly your skills. ME:  Who does? MOM:  The jobs.  They need you even more than you need them. ME:  I’m going to [...]

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-love-my-mom/feed/ 4 BADASS PASSAGES: Thomas De Quincey http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-thomas-de-quincey/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-thomas-de-quincey/#comments Wed, 14 Nov 2012 07:30:27 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4131 ...thou buildest upon the bosom of darkness, out of the fantastic imagery of the brain, cities and temples beyond the art of Phidias and Praxiteles...

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-thomas-de-quincey/feed/ 0 The Legend of Toro: A Gringo Goes Boxing in Rural Mexico http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-legend-of-toro-a-gringo-goes-boxing-in-rural-mexico/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-legend-of-toro-a-gringo-goes-boxing-in-rural-mexico/#comments Fri, 09 Nov 2012 22:57:17 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4103 The fighters took their corners. Matty couldn’t understand almost anything Chicho commanded him, so I translated and did other corner man things. Matty was shaking his arms loose and running in baby circles. The Black Bull stood completely still in his corner, arms hanging at his sides, staring.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-legend-of-toro-a-gringo-goes-boxing-in-rural-mexico/feed/ 0 Alligator Theory: A Stream-of-Consciousness Manifesto http://www.foleyspeaks.com/alligator-theory-not-your-average-5000-word-surrealist-stream-of-consciousness-manifesto-dont-judge-me/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/alligator-theory-not-your-average-5000-word-surrealist-stream-of-consciousness-manifesto-dont-judge-me/#comments Wed, 07 Nov 2012 08:14:28 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4084 Alligators can go up to two years without feeding. ;)

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/alligator-theory-not-your-average-5000-word-surrealist-stream-of-consciousness-manifesto-dont-judge-me/feed/ 0 As Long As You Like Me: Facebook and the Paradox of Connectivity [An Essay] http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3897/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3897/#comments Thu, 11 Oct 2012 01:17:07 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3897 We are so connected that our online relationships have almost entirely replaced our real-life relationships, and in the ultimate paradox of our generation, face-to-face interaction, real human interaction—true connectedness—is going extinct.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3897/feed/ 7 How to Choose (and Wear) the Perfect Halloween Costume http://www.foleyspeaks.com/how-to-choose-and-wear-the-perfect-halloween-costume/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/how-to-choose-and-wear-the-perfect-halloween-costume/#comments Wed, 10 Oct 2012 01:37:12 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3879 Your costume is not the most important thing. The most important thing is how you feel in it.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/how-to-choose-and-wear-the-perfect-halloween-costume/feed/ 0 BADASS PASSAGES: Gustave Flaubert http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-gustave-flaubert/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-gustave-flaubert/#comments Fri, 05 Oct 2012 19:45:20 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3874 "By thus entering and penetrating into nature, we became a part of it, diffused ourselves in it, and were claimed by it once more..."

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/badass-passages-gustave-flaubert/feed/ 0 How I Steered Clear of Voir Dire: A Jury Duty Escape Story http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3846/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3846/#comments Tue, 25 Sep 2012 22:31:47 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3846 Past experience has taught me that I am an unreliable arbiter of truth when my stomach is empty. For the sake of our great American system of justice, I had to speak up. I had to get out of jury duty immediately.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3846/feed/ 1 An Open Letter to Children Raised in Luxury High-Rise Condomineums, Average Resident Age 87 http://www.foleyspeaks.com/an-open-letter-to-children-raised-in-luxury-high-rise-condomineums-average-resident-age-87/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/an-open-letter-to-children-raised-in-luxury-high-rise-condomineums-average-resident-age-87/#comments Tue, 25 Sep 2012 02:26:52 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3829 They’ll remark how much you’ve grown. You’ll envy their velour bodysuits and wonder if that’s wrong.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/an-open-letter-to-children-raised-in-luxury-high-rise-condomineums-average-resident-age-87/feed/ 0 7 Ways to Cross a Street: A Pedestrian’s Guide http://www.foleyspeaks.com/7-ways-to-cross-a-street/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/7-ways-to-cross-a-street/#comments Tue, 18 Sep 2012 06:11:33 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3823 What kind of crosswalker are YOU?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/7-ways-to-cross-a-street/feed/ 3 Brownie Points: The Overlapping Rings of Cheating and Winning [An Essay] http://www.foleyspeaks.com/brownie-points-foleys-olympic-scandal-recap/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/brownie-points-foleys-olympic-scandal-recap/#comments Sun, 12 Aug 2012 19:24:29 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3789 If you know you have to cheat to win, I would recommend either cheating without getting caught, or not competing at all. Getting caught cheating and losing are both simply out of the question. If you don’t know for sure you have to cheat to win, by all means, play fair.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/brownie-points-foleys-olympic-scandal-recap/feed/ 2 Bad Ikea: To Hell in Way Too Many Handbaskets http://www.foleyspeaks.com/bad-ikea/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/bad-ikea/#comments Mon, 30 Jul 2012 00:50:11 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3767 A desert of lamps. An ocean of stools. A kibbutz of office chairs and a museum of kitchen faucets. More coffee tables than the Starbucks headquarters. Newlyweds in a screaming match. Something about colanders. An obese man asleep in a leather armchair...

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/bad-ikea/feed/ 1 I Mean, Really Though: People Suck at Talking http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-mean-really-though/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-mean-really-though/#comments Wed, 25 Jul 2012 03:03:15 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3761 I mean like, if you think you sound like you’re speaking right, think again, because honestly—no, I mean it—you have to, like—you know, just speak better. Totes.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-mean-really-though/feed/ 1 Bad Frattitude: Blame Belushi? http://www.foleyspeaks.com/bad-frattitude/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/bad-frattitude/#comments Tue, 03 Jul 2012 08:54:36 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3710 Perfecting the stereotype with broken bravado, ignominy and embarrassment, asleep with a cheek on the toilet seat, still holding that iconic red Solo cup...

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/bad-frattitude/feed/ 0 Wax Moon: The Time I Almost Died Sandboarding in Chile http://www.foleyspeaks.com/waxing-moon/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/waxing-moon/#comments Wed, 27 Jun 2012 09:03:00 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3658 "Don't let my wispy surface fool you," warns Sand. "I will break your face."

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/waxing-moon/feed/ 1 I, Raindrop: An Underwater Encounter With The Mozambican BFG http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-raindrop/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-raindrop/#comments Fri, 22 Jun 2012 22:57:38 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3642 I opted for the leisurely snorkel tour, where you jump into the calm waters of the Indian Ocean (choppier than a ride in a two-engine bomber over the Karakoram) for a meet-n-greet with the underwater B.F.G.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-raindrop/feed/ 0 Igloo In Hell: A Poem For Your Absolution [AUDIO] http://www.foleyspeaks.com/id-sooner-run/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/id-sooner-run/#comments Mon, 18 Jun 2012 07:31:04 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3616 And when you start to cry, I’ll know I’ve won.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/id-sooner-run/feed/ 0 If The World Ends: A Poem of Maya and Men http://www.foleyspeaks.com/if-the-world-ends-a-poem/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/if-the-world-ends-a-poem/#comments Sat, 09 Jun 2012 04:06:44 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3388 Just be kind to people, And pay back what you borrow, Don’t wait too long to sing your song, The world could end tomorrow.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/if-the-world-ends-a-poem/feed/ 2 Magic City Mystique: Sweating It Out in Miami http://www.foleyspeaks.com/magic-city-mystique/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/magic-city-mystique/#comments Thu, 31 May 2012 19:07:33 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3178 What a strange world I lived in, where the line between personal trainer and gigolo became finer and finer with every lychee martini.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/magic-city-mystique/feed/ 0 Divine Magnetism: Soul-Searching With Mama Ganges http://www.foleyspeaks.com/mothers-feet/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/mothers-feet/#comments Thu, 31 May 2012 15:59:09 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3151 Those who walk towards it march with conviction; those who walk away amble in trance.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/mothers-feet/feed/ 0 Raise the Kloof: A Daredevil’s Tale http://www.foleyspeaks.com/dont-jump/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/dont-jump/#comments Thu, 31 May 2012 15:27:44 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3146 Traversing the boulders with the agility of an expert mountaineer, I found myself at the lip of a perilous cliff.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/dont-jump/feed/ 0 Cages of the Mind: Reflections on Choice, Regret, and Self-Forgiveness http://www.foleyspeaks.com/cages/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/cages/#comments Wed, 30 May 2012 06:37:57 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3141 The desire to change the unchangeable? I build a cage and trap myself in it.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/cages/feed/ 0 The Not-Giving Of Fux: A Writer’s Life For Me http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-not-giving-of-fucks/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-not-giving-of-fucks/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 01:31:53 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3055 A secret art, true life wisdom, an attitude imperative to positive thinking and purposeful action.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-not-giving-of-fucks/feed/ 0 Painful Elation: I May Or May Not Have Been Sober When I Wrote This http://www.foleyspeaks.com/painful-elation/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/painful-elation/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 01:21:48 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3052 Savor the now now and by now it’s the past. By now. By now.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/painful-elation/feed/ 0 Jackpot: On True Art and a Rich Life http://www.foleyspeaks.com/jackpot/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/jackpot/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 01:20:28 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3049 How much are you willing to sacrifice to achieve the ideal?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/jackpot/feed/ 0 Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice: Confessions of a Pathological Traveler http://www.foleyspeaks.com/fresh-squeezed-orange-juice/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/fresh-squeezed-orange-juice/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 01:18:37 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3047 I’ve finally learned to stop apologizing for having a great life.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/fresh-squeezed-orange-juice/feed/ 0 An Open Letter to the Voice Inside My Head http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3033/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3033/#comments Thu, 03 May 2012 15:42:14 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3033 Voice Inside, why do you tantalize me so? My head spins, intoxicated with false bravado like Bacardi and ambrosia sipped from a pimp’s chalice.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/3033/feed/ 1 My House: You’re Invited to the Death of Etiquette http://www.foleyspeaks.com/my-house/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/my-house/#comments Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:42:25 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3023 In my house, you don’t need to explain your behavior to anyone. Here, the rudest thing you could do is ask permission.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/my-house/feed/ 1 Sagitarrius: A Damn Good Poem for the Chronically Restless http://www.foleyspeaks.com/sagitarrius/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/sagitarrius/#comments Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:22:59 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3165 Palm trees, light breeze—what’s the recipe/ For conquered wanderlust?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/sagitarrius/feed/ 0 Shake ‘Em Up: Spoken Word Poetry [VIDEO] http://www.foleyspeaks.com/shake-em-up/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/shake-em-up/#comments Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:01:37 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=3158 These days courage is rare./ Cowardice is well done—there’s too much beef in the air.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/shake-em-up/feed/ 0 Forget The Alamo: Breaking Down the Should-Have-Been-Greatest College Football Play of All Time http://www.foleyspeaks.com/forget-the-alamo/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/forget-the-alamo/#comments Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:11:17 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2973 The linemen are paying about as much attention as they would to a plate of raw tofu.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/forget-the-alamo/feed/ 0 Shit Homeless People Don’t Say http://www.foleyspeaks.com/shit-homeless-people-dont-say/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/shit-homeless-people-dont-say/#comments Tue, 13 Mar 2012 00:36:50 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2957 Big Island, or Maui?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/shit-homeless-people-dont-say/feed/ 2 The Dishes: Hobgoblin of Little Sinks http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-dishes/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-dishes/#comments Thu, 08 Mar 2012 06:14:25 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2905 Why don't we keep this simple and just DO them. We'll just do them and we won't have to mention it.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-dishes/feed/ 1 Murphy Pan, Wassup?: My Hollywood Debut as the Lead Villain in a Rap Video http://www.foleyspeaks.com/murphy-pan-wassap/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/murphy-pan-wassap/#comments Wed, 07 Mar 2012 03:16:11 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2864 I just keep thinking to myself, 'I am a murderer. I eat men. I will eat your heart.' It seems to work.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/murphy-pan-wassap/feed/ 1 Swagcidents Happen http://www.foleyspeaks.com/swagcidents-happen/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/swagcidents-happen/#comments Tue, 06 Mar 2012 07:33:45 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2857 It’s the monster inside you, a swagnivorous beast, a swagosaurus, a fire-breathing swagon.”

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/swagcidents-happen/feed/ 0 The Crackhead Nextdoor: Hardly Studying Abroad in Cape Town http://www.foleyspeaks.com/mulligan/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/mulligan/#comments Wed, 01 Feb 2012 05:08:59 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2584 We fueled our BBQ with Namibian coals and our restlessness with five dollar fifths of Black Horse vodka.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/mulligan/feed/ 7 In Other Words: Newt Gingrich’s Online Dating Profile Leaked http://www.foleyspeaks.com/in-other-words/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/in-other-words/#comments Sat, 28 Jan 2012 04:58:08 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2560 You’ve probably heard of my vision for a U.S. lunar colony. I’m very romantic; of course I’d take you there.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/in-other-words/feed/ 1 Shattered Paradigms: On Hipsters http://www.foleyspeaks.com/fucking-hipsters/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/fucking-hipsters/#comments Sun, 15 Jan 2012 08:23:32 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2538 Electro-indie rhythms lured them into an atavistic paroxysm of pseudo-nonconformity.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/fucking-hipsters/feed/ 1 Hacking and Snacking: Three Viral Video Analyses http://www.foleyspeaks.com/hackers-and-snackers/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/hackers-and-snackers/#comments Sat, 14 Jan 2012 04:26:34 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2519 Apparently this hip-hop hacker, Mr. Kim, has the bait to reel in some of the music industry’s biggest fish.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/hackers-and-snackers/feed/ 0 Resolved: Outrageous New Year’s Resolutions of an Incorrigible Megalomaniac http://www.foleyspeaks.com/resolved/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/resolved/#comments Sun, 01 Jan 2012 18:33:50 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2434 When the paparazzi glimpse my calves, the sculpted love-children of sixty daily stair flights and Herculean determination, they’ll swoon.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/resolved/feed/ 2 Laos in Translation: Half Buddha, Half Barbarian http://www.foleyspeaks.com/laos-in-translation/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/laos-in-translation/#comments Sat, 24 Dec 2011 14:19:22 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2405 When, with lowered heads, the monks removed the lids of their buckets to accept my donation, I reached in with chopsticks for some free breakfast.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/laos-in-translation/feed/ 1 When was the last time you danced? http://www.foleyspeaks.com/when-was-the-last-time-you-danced/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/when-was-the-last-time-you-danced/#comments Sun, 11 Dec 2011 08:00:04 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=4391

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/when-was-the-last-time-you-danced/feed/ 0 Bowling for Mensches: Welcome to the Jewish Bachelor Series Selection Show! http://www.foleyspeaks.com/jewish-bowling/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/jewish-bowling/#comments Wed, 07 Dec 2011 04:28:53 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2303 Will Goldberg’s Masters of Accounting and enormous ears hold Up Against Steinberg’s dual-degree and formidable spread-Hebrew formation?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/jewish-bowling/feed/ 0 Animal Science: Profile of a Medicine Man-Beast http://www.foleyspeaks.com/my-best-friend/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/my-best-friend/#comments Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:41:14 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2265 He only shows up uninvited. He only stays if asked to leave.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/my-best-friend/feed/ 1 This Is Your Captain Speaking, Unfortunately http://www.foleyspeaks.com/this-is-the-captain-speaking/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/this-is-the-captain-speaking/#comments Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:20:07 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2168 To fasten your seat belt, pretend the right side is having intercourse with the left side.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/this-is-the-captain-speaking/feed/ 3 On Losing: I Hate It http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-hate-losing/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-hate-losing/#comments Wed, 23 Nov 2011 02:06:47 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2157 I know security will chase me down and tase me, but I sprint in brandishing flaming nunchucks.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/i-hate-losing/feed/ 1 Not Today: The Truth About The ‘F’ On My Transcript http://www.foleyspeaks.com/2140/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/2140/#comments Fri, 18 Nov 2011 06:19:37 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2140 The truth is the review session was on St. Patty’s Day, and I missed it because I was busy funneling white wine sangria and playing quarters with half-gallon Mint Juleps.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/2140/feed/ 2 What a Steal! And By Steal I Mean Shithole http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-a-steal/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-a-steal/#comments Mon, 07 Nov 2011 02:07:10 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=2101 What would you rather have, your birdfeeder stolen, or a deafening cacophony?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/what-a-steal/feed/ 0 Shit and Run: My Electric Poopbrush Debacle http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-electric-poopbrush/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-electric-poopbrush/#comments Sun, 30 Oct 2011 04:46:24 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1976 There was no mistaking the malice of the act. This was a cruel, premeditated attack on me, and me alone.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-electric-poopbrush/feed/ 1 The Boatman: A River Runs Through Him http://www.foleyspeaks.com/john-the-oarsman/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/john-the-oarsman/#comments Mon, 24 Oct 2011 14:29:50 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1917 Every thousandth word he utters, a bald eagle is born.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/john-the-oarsman/feed/ 2 Exact Change: On Thanking and Blaming God in Sports http://www.foleyspeaks.com/exact-change/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/exact-change/#comments Mon, 24 Oct 2011 03:57:21 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1878 God isn’t just somebody at a drive-by window who may or may not give you exact change.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/exact-change/feed/ 0 Airscapades: Bigots and Bloody Marys in a Typical Terminal http://www.foleyspeaks.com/airport-escapades/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/airport-escapades/#comments Sun, 16 Oct 2011 00:02:26 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1802 ‘But there is a huge line over—’ ‘Sir, please keep your voice down.’

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/airport-escapades/feed/ 5 San Frasmagoria: A Surrealist Prose Poem Experience of San Francisco http://www.foleyspeaks.com/san-frantasmagoria/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/san-frantasmagoria/#comments Tue, 27 Sep 2011 20:52:20 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1615 How much coke were they on in the Victorian Era to build San Francisco? I'm walking around in a Salvador Dali painting of The Shire.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/san-frantasmagoria/feed/ 0 Perfection is a Plus: Job Description Parody http://www.foleyspeaks.com/foleys-hiring/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/foleys-hiring/#comments Fri, 16 Sep 2011 13:59:00 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1561 You could WOW an audience of elderly Papua New Guinean tribeswomen with the supinity of a star-gazer.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/foleys-hiring/feed/ 1 That It Should Come To This!: Lament of the English Major http://www.foleyspeaks.com/that-it-should-come-to-this/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/that-it-should-come-to-this/#comments Wed, 07 Sep 2011 00:23:48 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1519 I know how to write a dynamic topic sentence. I know the difference between a sestina and a villanelle. Did you say extra mustard?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/that-it-should-come-to-this/feed/ 2 There Has Never Been Anything False About Truth: President Foley Speaks to His Fellow Millenials http://www.foleyspeaks.com/there-has-never-been-anything-false-about-truth/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/there-has-never-been-anything-false-about-truth/#comments Sat, 06 Aug 2011 02:22:03 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1332 Yes we can to money and freedom. Yes we can to tomfoolery and shenanigans. Yes we can do the unexpected. Yes we can flip the bird. Yes we can.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/there-has-never-been-anything-false-about-truth/feed/ 1 Alfredo the Framer: Art Addict with Tequila for Blood http://www.foleyspeaks.com/character-portrait-alfredo-the-framer/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/character-portrait-alfredo-the-framer/#comments Tue, 26 Jul 2011 03:33:12 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1284 There are only two things he loves more than art. One is women. The other is tequila.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/character-portrait-alfredo-the-framer/feed/ 2 Fight Night: An Unforgettable Pillow Brawl With My Chubby Chilean Homestay Sister http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-pillow-fight-somewhere-in-chile/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-pillow-fight-somewhere-in-chile/#comments Fri, 22 Jul 2011 21:30:01 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1235 She just flailed her beefy little limbs in all directions like a midget mummy high on cocaine.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-pillow-fight-somewhere-in-chile/feed/ 1 I AM A CHAMBER OF SECRETS: Harry Potter’s Naughty Confessions *A Foley Speaks Exclusive* http://www.foleyspeaks.com/harry-potter-i-am-a-chamber-of-secrets/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/harry-potter-i-am-a-chamber-of-secrets/#comments Thu, 14 Jul 2011 04:02:41 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=1063 The Harry Potter Confessions. *A Foley Speaks Exclusive*

The post I AM A CHAMBER OF SECRETS: Harry Potter’s Naughty Confessions *A Foley Speaks Exclusive* appeared first on FoleySpeaks.

]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/harry-potter-i-am-a-chamber-of-secrets/feed/ 2 A Portrait of the Foley as a Young Man http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-portrait-of-the-foley-as-a-young-man/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-portrait-of-the-foley-as-a-young-man/#comments Thu, 23 Jun 2011 00:10:04 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=740 When it comes to public transportation, no hand-sanitizer can purify his imagination.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-portrait-of-the-foley-as-a-young-man/feed/ 2 Grillin’ Fools: On Braai-Master Status http://www.foleyspeaks.com/on-braai-master-status/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/on-braai-master-status/#comments Fri, 10 Jun 2011 04:23:58 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=476 A true Braai Master checks his meat like a shephard checks his sheep.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/on-braai-master-status/feed/ 1 Visions of the Apocalypse: John Cusack Plays Parcheesi With Emperor Palpatine http://www.foleyspeaks.com/305/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/305/#comments Tue, 24 May 2011 03:15:34 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=305 Every Darth and his brother is trying to cash in on Doomsday Dread.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/305/feed/ 2 Better With Friends: A Letter to Zynga http://www.foleyspeaks.com/its-never-just-a-game-when-foleys-playing/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/its-never-just-a-game-when-foleys-playing/#comments Sun, 22 May 2011 23:45:16 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=283 Five years down the road I see Zynga campaigning to solve illiteracy in Central Africa with Words With Friends’ Read is the Word charitable initiative.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/its-never-just-a-game-when-foleys-playing/feed/ 3 Elegy for a Fallen Savage: Macho Man, In Memoriam http://www.foleyspeaks.com/elegy-for-a-fallen-savage/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/elegy-for-a-fallen-savage/#comments Sat, 21 May 2011 07:39:11 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=233 O! Fountain of fury, Jimmer of Slims, Titan in tights, Tonight, to You, we bow.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/elegy-for-a-fallen-savage/feed/ 0 This Is What Your Fake-Ass Cover Letter Really Sounds Like http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-cover-letter-that-works-every-time/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-cover-letter-that-works-every-time/#comments Thu, 19 May 2011 05:40:34 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=192 This hands-off approach has shaped me into the indolent, ass-kissing sell-out that I am today.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/a-cover-letter-that-works-every-time/feed/ 1 All Melon on the Eastern Front: Reaction to China’s Exploding Watermelon Crisis http://www.foleyspeaks.com/all-melon-on-the-eastern-front/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/all-melon-on-the-eastern-front/#comments Wed, 18 May 2011 11:37:10 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=176 Explosion-Enhancing Drugs are strictly prohibited. All violators, if whole, will be prosecuted.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/all-melon-on-the-eastern-front/feed/ 0 The Great Daybate: If The Week Days Could Talk http://www.foleyspeaks.com/126/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/126/#comments Mon, 16 May 2011 11:23:22 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=126 Friday: "You’re a cheap whore, Tuesday. Lowering your prices will never make you more popular than I am."

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/126/feed/ 0 The Dax Bead Game (Infinite Continuum): Everything I Believe in 300 Words [AUDIO] http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-dax-bead-game/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-dax-bead-game/#comments Sun, 15 May 2011 01:48:03 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=91 Create yourself and bask in it, share the wealth and laugh riches. Maybe earn them too, but by doing what you do--do you?

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-dax-bead-game/feed/ 2 Ling Lao, Bling Blaow: My Rejected Groupon Copywriter Samples http://www.foleyspeaks.com/20-for-1-hour-of-acupuncture-or-%e2%80%9ccupping%e2%80%9d-treatment-at-asian-therapeutics/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/20-for-1-hour-of-acupuncture-or-%e2%80%9ccupping%e2%80%9d-treatment-at-asian-therapeutics/#comments Fri, 13 May 2011 11:20:05 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=60 Desperate to win back the respect of the people, the Emperor sought counsel from reclusive sage Chi Lao, who had only this to say: “Ling Lao, bling blaow!”

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/20-for-1-hour-of-acupuncture-or-%e2%80%9ccupping%e2%80%9d-treatment-at-asian-therapeutics/feed/ 0 The Idiot’s Guide to Fitting In in Miami http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-idiots-guide-to-fitting-in-in-miami/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-idiots-guide-to-fitting-in-in-miami/#comments Fri, 13 May 2011 01:13:46 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=51 It's $50 cover for out-of-shape guys and only $20 if you have good definition on your tris.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/the-idiots-guide-to-fitting-in-in-miami/feed/ 0 Bombay Sapphire to the Face: Response to a Craigslist Job Listing http://www.foleyspeaks.com/response-to-a-craigslist-job-listing/ http://www.foleyspeaks.com/response-to-a-craigslist-job-listing/#comments Thu, 12 May 2011 12:47:28 +0000 Dax http://www.foleyspeaks.com/?p=39 Regardless of the job, every day before I come to work I take a bottle of Bombay Sapphire to the face for twelve seconds.

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]]> http://www.foleyspeaks.com/response-to-a-craigslist-job-listing/feed/ 1